9/27/22
Hey, I’m so excited about hitting the 100th episode of the Another Beautiful Life Podcast. It’s been an incredible journey of healing and growth for me. And I’m grateful for you for listening and also for letting me know how these episodes are impacting your life personally for your own healing and growth. So, I want to say thank you to everyone who supports this podcast by listening, sharing, and leaving reviews. I consider it a privilege to be used by God this way.
So now let me say, I know that F.I.X. Your Husband is a divergent topic from what I usually talk about. But I can honestly say that the content that I share here is what allowed me to go from a selfish, complaining wife to a content and compassionate one with my late husband of 30 years. This information is something that’s always been important to me, and I feel like it’s necessary to share because I see so many women being hurt in their marriage and they don’t know what to do next. I do believe, and have evidence, that the things I’m sharing here are life changing. And marriage saving.
So, this is week three of the secrets to F.I.X. Your Husband. “Fix” is an acronym. F is for feelings, I for intimacy, and X is the X-factor. If you haven’t already, go back and listen to Part 1 and 2 because these definitely build upon one another.
Okay, let’s dive in to the “X” in F.I.X. Your Husband. This is the secret ingredient that transforms everything. It’s understanding men: Why they do and say what they do or why they don’t do and say what we women expect them or want them to.
Did you know that there are some very specific words you could use when talking to your husband that will elicit a positive response from him? Men have been created in a very specific way, and that is to provider for, to protect, and to take care of women. Because of this, men naturally respond to certain words based on providing, protecting, and taking care of us.
They also respond instinctively to other words or behaviors of ours that are actually creating in them the opposite of what we want them to be.
There is some fascinating information out there from men and women who have been studying men for more than 20 years. Thousands and thousands of panels of men - digging through their brains and perusing their hearts. And I came across some information that blew me away. What I heard was that there were certain things a woman could say or do that would automatically diminish her husband unknowingly - or another word that was used was emasculate her husband. Like, she’s saying or doing certain things and she has no idea what she’s doing to her husband. And subsequently what she’s creating in him. And the interesting thing is that she really has no desire to diminish her husband. In fact, she wants him to be the opposite of what she’s creating with these very specific words and actions. It’s so fascinating. And also a little scary and sad that we do this unknowingly.
So that list is pretty long. And, I had probably done every one of those things. Sadly, I can remember thinking that if I gave him the silent treatment or the cold shoulder, he would get the picture and change. Thinking he needed to be punished into changing. That’s so funny now that I know what I know. But when I started to understand just how differently men are actually wired and how they’re not at all just “hairy women,” as Allison Armstrong affectionately says, when I quit feeling like my husband was the enemy and I finally figured out how to communicate with him in a way he understood, I was able to relax with him and actually began to open up into a whole new person. Someone who was at peace, and happy, and willing to be vulnerable because I wasn’t on guard all the time. We weren’t playing tit-for-tat anymore. We were working together and actually developed a partnership.
Recently, I’ve been sharing that long list of items with a few friends and several of my clients. It’s given them some very specific things to do - and not a lot of things, either, just a few subtle shifts - and every one of them got an unexpected but very welcomed outcome. Their husbands started responding to them in new ways that made communication so much easier. They began to see their husbands step up in leadership roles - whether that be with discipline with their kids, or spiritual leadership, or just decisions that needed to be made - where they’ve previously been acting very passive or ambivalent.
One way that men are not like women is the way they prefer to communicate. For two women talking, it’s not unreasonable for one to interject with “uh-huh” and “yes, right” when you’re sharing information. Right? And that’s perfectly acceptable, even welcomed. When you do that, I know you’re listening, engaged. But not for men. Men hate to be interrupted. Not because they think they need all the attention, or what they have to say is more important. But because for them, it's not a conversation in the way women think of, where you quickly go back and forth, sharing thoughts and ideas and similar experiences. But with a man, it usually works better to just listen and not say a thing. See, that’s not like women at all. He’s not a “hairy woman.” He’s a man that thinks about conversations completely differently than we do. Now, he might check to see if you’re paying attention, but he doesn’t welcome your interjections like women do. So, if you’re an interrupter then you might be shutting down your husband unknowingly. He gets tired of it, so he quits engaging. He gives up. So, what we women need to do is to just listen. Say nothing. Just listen. The more you listen, the more he’ll talk. And if you’re patient and wait for him to dig it up, you might get the gift of seeing all the emotional stuff that’s inside. Because unlike our assumptions, men are emotional beings, too. They just need a safe space and a willing ear to listen. Without interruption.
Another thing on that list that we do quite often is to take over something you gave them to do. And that could look a lot of different ways. But usually we’ll ask them to do something for us, then micromanage them. “Did you call such-and-such? Did you make that appointment?” Or asking them to load the dishwasher and then rearranging it after he does. Anyone? Or asking him to bathe and get the kids ready for bed, then telling him exactly how to do it. Or correcting him after he has. This just communicates a lack of trust. It diminishes their God-given masculine leadership. Do this enough and watch them quit cooperating or trying at all. They’d much rather just take a step back than to feel inadequate or feel like a failure. Making them feel like a failure is one of the fastest ways to emasculate a man.
Now, I want to talk to my strong, independent, highly capable women listening. You do not have to make yourself smaller or feel less than you are in order to make him bigger. You both have power in the relationship. You are one flesh, so your marriage is only as strong as the weakest link. You don’t have to tear him down to build yourself up. So, if you think you must diminish him or strip him of power in some way in order for you to have power, there’s definitely no room for partnership here. Instead, you are on a sinking ship.
Okay, if you’re not really sure that what you’re doing or not doing is diminishing your husband here’s a little test for you. When you go to a restaurant and a waitstaff comes to your table to greet you, are you the first one to respond or is your husband? And when the waitstaff comes back to check on your table “Hey, how are y’all doing? Do you need anything?”, are you the one to tell him or her y’all are fine? If this is the case, you’re the one creating the atmosphere for a passive man. I know, we’re women and we’re friendly. Besides, you’re thinking if I don’t greet them that would be rude. Yes, both are true. But you can let your husband communicate first before you do. And maybe you’re thinking if you don’t say something no one will. That’s not true at all. Try it and watch it happen. It might seem like there’s awkward silence at first, and that’s only because he’s so used to you doing it that he just doesn’t. But if you don’t, he will step up and take charge. I promise. He’ll step up! He’s designed to step up. Bring out the best in your husband so you can get the best from him.
So, the X-Factor brings awareness that it’s possible that we’re creating in our husbands what we actually don’t want. All because we don’t understand how they are so very different from us.
But we think they should be like us. We expect them to act and respond like us. But they are doing something else on purpose. Misbehaving! So, they must be broken in need of fixing. But men are not at all just hairy women. They are wired completely differently. This is why a lot of women think men are broken - because they’re not acting like women.
But, friend, I have good news! You can actually elicit his instinctive, natural response by using certain words and doing certain things based on his God-given role to provide for, protect, and take care of women. You can continue to see your husband step into the masculine, leadership role God created for him. It’s possible to F.I.X. Your Husband.
Friend, if you’d like to find out more about this F.I.X. method and how you can turn your relationship into a partnership, I’d love to help you. I’ve created a 6-week intensive private coaching program specifically for this.
I will teach you the 6 words that men automatically respond to given their primal design to protect, provide, and care for women. And I’ll show you how to strategically use them. I’ll also teach you how to tell your husband what you need from him - physically, emotionally, even spiritually - in a way that gets the most positive response.
I will teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you’re not at the effect of your husband’s, or anyone’s, words, actions, behaviors, or attitudes. I’m going to teach you how to be empowered over your life. I’ve got so much to teach you here that’s going to bring so much freedom and peace in your life
That’s why this is called an intensive. Because we’re going to dive in and get after it, because change can happen very quickly. Using this F.I.X. method, we will lay out a very specific roadmap you can follow toward your goal of a great partnership with your man, no matter where you’re finding yourself right now. And that roadmap gets you back on track to your goal no matter what happens “on the road.”
You will get the full gamut of the X-Factor with specific strategies and techniques to implement weekly, including
· What to do specifically if you’ve been diminishing your husband unknowingly
· The 6 words that men can’t help but instinctively respond to.
· How to tell him how to support you emotionally in a way that he relates to
· Understanding exactly why he does or says what he does…or doesn’t
· How to call up his masculine leadership & how to stay in your feminine
You will also get tools to apply to every area of your life that brings peace and freedom to be yourself. Without anxiety, or fear of rejection, or the need to people-please.
I’ve put a link in the show notes to book a free 30-minute call so we can talk about next steps or you can get specific questions answered.
Have a wonderful week, friends. See you next Wednesday for the next episode of Another Beautiful Life podcast.
