6/14/23
So, last week, in 5 power-packed minutes, I talked about forgiveness and redefined what it looks like to forgive an offender. One thing I mentioned was that forgiveness does not mean there’s reconciliation, especially when the offender has no intention of apologizing or asking for forgiveness, for whatever reason.
But this week, I want to talk about when reconciliation does happen; when it can happen…in 5 minutes. So, let’s go.
Colossians 3 verse 13 tells us we are to “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
We can forgive and let go of the past offense and be reconciled again with someone. Yes, we can!
The definition of reconciliation is the restoration of friendly relations. Or, to be at peace again after some sort of fraction in the relationship.
But there are stipulations for reconciliation. According to Dr. Jenn Mann in her book The Relationship Fix, there are four “R’s” that must be present for there to be a “restoration of friendly relations.”
The first “R” is remorse. Remorse is a deep regret coming from a sense of guilt for a wrong committed. It comes with a feeling of sadness and being sorry for something you have done. Note that remorse is not feeling sadness or feeling sorry that you got caught. We know people like this, right? They’re not sorry for what they’ve done. They’re just sorry they got caught. No, remorse is feeling deep regret for having done a thing as an offense to another. The focus is on the other person; for hurting them and causing a fraction in the relationship.
The second “R” that must be present is responsibility. You must own what you did. Completely. No “buts.” No, “I know I called you names, but I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t made me so mad.” Nope. Instead it’s, “I did this thing. It’s my fault. I’m completely responsible for my own actions, behavior, and words. No one made me do it. I take ownership of the offense.” By the way, you’ll probably recognize this as the definition of Emotional Adulthood.
The third is recognition. Recognition is being able to see the extent of the damage your offense had on another; listening to understand the pain and the hurt of what you did caused for them. It comes with the humility to be able to say, “I hear you. I understand what I did caused for you. And I believe that your hurt was valid.”
The final “R” that must be present for reconciliation to take place is remedy. Remedy simply means that there is some sort of action plan put in place going forward. This is done to create safeguards so that the original offense is not easily repeated. The remedy can be decided upon by both parties that makes each one feel safe and validated in the relationship. For example, if the offense was that a spouse had a secret, online conversations with an old flame, the remedy could be that all passcodes and access online were shared. And/or that, at the very least, total transparency in conversations with the other spouse about such connections made online would be quick and forthcoming.
Friend, remember that reconciliation happens, or the restoration of friendly relations, peace and harmony is restored, after a fraction in the relationship. That means trust must be given and earned again. And that can happen when the four “R’s”, remorse, responsibility, recognition, and remedy are genuine and honest, not self-serving. When they come from a place of love and humility and self-awareness, restoring things back to peace is possible through the 4 “R’s” of reconciliation.
Hey friend, are you needing help reconciling after an offense? If you’re a Christian woman, I’d love to help you. Book a free 30-minute call on my calendar so we can chat about Life Coaching together. The link is in the show notes.
And don’t forget to get the listener’s Guide that will help you work through reconciliation. The link to that is in the show notes, as well.
Have a wonderful week, friends. See you next Wednesday for the next episode of Another Beautiful Life.
SHOW NOTES:
Is reconciliation even possible after there’s been a fraction in a relationship because of an offense?
The answer is “yes” if the 4 “R’s” are present. Listen in to discover how.
Get the work-alone Guide here: https://www.triciazody.com/guide
Read the Podcast transcript here: https://www.triciazody.com/podcasttranscripts
Are you wondering how Life Coaching works? Would you like a free, 30-minute session? Click this link to set up a Consult Call: https://calendly.com/triciazodylifecoach/30min
