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Episode 48 - Sorry To Disappoint You


This episode is going to be shorter than normal, I think. Mainly because I only have a few words to say on today’s topic. But also because I’m in a real-life centrifuge of emotions about it.

Soooo, I had a message from my podcast host saying that my last episode “On Being Pursued: I Said Yes” is blowing up. It’s had more listens in 48 hours than all my other episodes. And I think I know what’s going on. The comments I’ve received from some people was that they were really hoping it was an announcement that some guy had pursued my heart and I’d found love again. I’m going to take that as beautiful evidence that people care about me and my journey to healing, and would want that for me. And would be interested in hearing about it on the podcast. For those of you (and you know who you are) that said, “I was hoping it was a gentleman you were talking about, and not just Jesus.” For those of you that said that, I’m sorry to disappoint. And thank you for caring about me. But it’s always Jesus.

Now, where does that leave me? Because maybe I should’ve wanted that same outcome for myself. Maybe I should have had a guy pursuing my heart. And why wasn’t there? And now I’m feeling badly for myself that it wasn’t some amazing guy who swept me off my feet. And at the same time, I’m also feeling very happy and relieved that there wasn’t some amazing guy who swept me off my feet. It’s a conflict of emotions.

This leads me to a question about God’s design for man and woman to be together. He said to Adam, “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make a helper (woman) suitable for him.” So, it’s not good for a man to be alone. What about woman? The Apostle Paul encourages young widows to remarry in First Timothy. But what about old ones? Would it be good for them to be alone? Would Jesus be enough? Or do we, men and women alike, also need relationships with skin on? What do you think? I know there are many discussions being had among the young single Christian groups about developing your relationship with Jesus first before you develop a relationship with another person. Which I think is a really good idea. But mainly, these messages were for the girls. They are told, “Jesus is enough. You don’t need a guy.”

Now, the Apostle Paul was encouraging young Christian men not to marry, but to stay celibate and in service to God. The premise of his encouragement was that if they didn’t marry, they wouldn’t be distracted by a wife and family. Hmmm what to do?

Here’s where I think we need to back it up a bit and ask the Lord for His counsel, because this is all I can see right now in my particular circumstances as a widow - young or old…that’s subjective.

But I’m in a place where I’ve lived a beautiful life with one man, raising 3 kids, and have enjoyed some amazing adventures and life experiences. It was a beautiful 30 years as Brian’s wife. But is that it? I’m done? The way I see it, I have a lot of life yet to live. Another Beautiful Life yet to live. What will that ultimately look like? I really have no clue at all. But one thing I am sure of. God knows. He is Omniscient - He knows everything - so He knows exactly what’s going to happen in the future. In fact, because He’s not bound by time, He’s already been there… in my future. Whoa. That’s crazy, huh? And He sees all that’s going on - one year from now, 6 months from now, next week, tomorrow. And this is where all the pressure is taken off. The pressure that I felt when people, friends, were disappointed for me that the one pursuing me was just Jesus…and not a human with skin on. And that’s okay that they were. I know it’s because they love me and want the best for me. That’s how you know they’re really your friend.

But God is my friend, too. He’s my heavenly Father, the lover of my soul and keeper of my heart, and He’s my friend. And He also wants the best for me. But here’s the difference: He also knows what’s best for me. I don’t even know that. Sometimes I think being alone is the best thing in the world. And other times I think not being alone sounds amazing. Again, a conflict of emotions. And so since I can’t trust myself and my always changing mind, and since I can’t rely on my emotions that are in the valley one day and on the mountain top the next, I’m just going to have to trust this Omniscient, All-loving, Friend who wants the best for me. I’m going to trust that He is setting me up for something amazing, whatever that might look like. Alone…or not. Because whatever He has planned, whatever He is leading me to, I know it will be just right. So, I don’t have to worry about a thing. Pressures off. No feeling badly for myself. Trusting in the God who told me not too long ago to throw my paddle to the shore and just float on this river. Feet up, hands in. He says, “I’ve got this. I know this river well. I know the direction to steer you in and the speed at which you need to travel. Every dip, every turn, every spot you might get hung up on a protruding rock, or the places you’re stagnated in the quiet stretch of still water seemingly going nowhere. I’ve got this. Just float.”

So, my friends, thank you for caring so much about my journey and being curious about this One who has pursued my heart. Yes, it’s always Jesus. But I’ll let you know if and when it’s also a human with skin on.

And for you who are listening who may be in my same position and were looking for some hope you could grab onto for yourself, know that God knows your tomorrow, too. And one week from now, 6 months from now, a year from now. And He is setting you up for something amazing! Perhaps this is what you’ll decide to grab onto for yourself: That He’s got this. And all you need to do is throw your paddle to the shore and just float.

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